“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You Might Also Like
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.