[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
awkward
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.