Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.