You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?