I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
me when i see my girls butt
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Sunday
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.