Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
You Might Also Like
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
all bases covered
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping