I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’ve had worse
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
channeling her this year
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing