Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym