Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Favourite diary entry ever
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped