My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Well, this is awkward
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Goodnight 🐶
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
When the stylist spins you back around