Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
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QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Yep.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.