wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
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Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Anyone want a chair?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“just sayin” who asked you though?