Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.