holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
❤️🦆
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.