Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
wow he looks just like him
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.