wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
…..pretty much.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Baking is just science you can eat.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
When you don’t understand how floors work
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Jokes on them. I took 10.