I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
True freaking story!
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes