Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
This meal prepping shit is easy
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
181.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun