Van Gone
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Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.