Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing