I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
You Might Also Like
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets