Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
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Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Whoa… oh I see lol
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape