These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes