Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks