Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
You Might Also Like
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.