I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.