Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this