ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
nobody’s gonna understand
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.