If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
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I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
This kid is going places
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
(Gaming support cat.)