Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
12. I think about this all the damn time
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
ok like just. call me at this point
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.