1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
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My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.