I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
You Might Also Like
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow