To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
You Might Also Like
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes