I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”