Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
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If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is