gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Get in loser we’re going crying
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Cinematography is my passion
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.