My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
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Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.