Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
tourist season
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.