With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.