BaD BoY!!
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”