BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*