Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
You Might Also Like
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Finally! 😈
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol