Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My background check bounced.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I get distracted pretty eas
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.