if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic