Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You Might Also Like
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.