My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
You Might Also Like
figuring out my emotional availability:
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Trying
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.