Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.