Birds & Planes.
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.