I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
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I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Jurassic park gets weird
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.