Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?